November 6, 2013

Darkness Can Not Overcome

I'm not so sure how to put my thoughts into words, but let me begin the post by this question:

Have you experienced darkness in your life?

It is that terrible, awful emotion that continually haunts your every single step in life. It is that something you know you have, despite of what people assume you currently have. It's that feeling of being numb, purposeless, low, zero excitement for anything, dreading another day to come.

It's something you have when you're walking and fanning off your best smile to the world but inside it's empty. It's when you wake up in the morning not wanting to get off the bed cause you know nothing good will come out of it. At night, you curl up inside your blanket feeling restless not knowing what to do next. On some good days you're numb, and some other days you're feeling emotions you don't want to feel.

Fearing the future, anxious about life, uncertain. You realise that things aren't as meaningful as you thought they would be. It's as if you're floating on this movie clip of "life", and the longer your walk there is, the emptier things feel. Well, sometimes the choice really comes down to whether you want to feel empty versus anxious.

I'm not too sure how to describe the feeling of darkness is, but I think I was there for a while. It goes back then to 2007 my first coming to Sydney till 2010. My brief encounter to darkness lasted for about 4 years, and I think that was a gradual process in which darkness grew as I seek more of life and myself. And thus I come to believe that darkness have seeds. As I walk longer in the darkness, I let the seeds grow and take deeper roots in my soul until finally I can't cope with the ever-growing tree of darkness, desperate to seek help from a Higher Being.

I call it a brief encounter as I know (from reading people's stories) there are plenty others who experience darkness for their whole life. Some people recover after decades, some barely live with prescription pills, and for some unfortunate ones, there's only one proven method to end the ever-growing darkness inside their soul. Suicide.

Or shall I call them fortunate instead?

I don't know. What I know is, I'm very very very lucky to be able to encounter the nemesis of darkness, ie. the light itself. My first encounter with God was actually during one of the super famous Hillsong Conference in 2010. That was my first taste of having light. I was enlightened (how the New Age people call it). That time I turned from a totally annoying selfish immature miss know it all lazy skeptical brat into a super happy girl overflowing with joy I know I've never experienced before. God truly got His own ways of doing things.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it"
- John 1:5

Now, I am a very much alive and less annoying selfish immature miss know it all lazy critical Christian. Still the same person with same immaturity but lacking the darkness I used to carry before. Good food and pretty stuffs make me happy, social gathering excites me, but I know the darkness I previously had and I'm thankful to God for not letting me forget about that gloomy thing. I was there once, and now that I've gotten my light, I'll never ever go back there for the second time. Never twice.

Darkness and spiritual death is a serious matter. What good comes from living in the darkness? Walking with God has taught me many things that truly matter in life. I was dead in my sin till I meet Jesus. God is my Saviour, my true Light. Without Him I'm totally clueless what kind of life I'll live now. I'm very fortunate indeed to have Him found me and pulled me from that bottomless pit of darkness. No matter what life will bring, I'll never ever trade this Light for any other senseless things of the world. I know what I'm tightly holding on to. If I have to leave my God, I'd probably choose death. Come what may!!!!!!

(Yes, I was born an extremist)

"He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light."
- Job 33:28